Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.
Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.
Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.
Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.
Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.
Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.
Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.
Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.
Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.
Spanish tennis star Rafael Nadal and American skiing Olympic gold medallist Lindsey Vonn have won the top honours at this year's Laureus Sport Awards.
World number one Nadal took Sportsman of the Year, and Vonn Sportswoman at a ceremony in Abu Dhabi on Monday.
Spain's World Cup-winning squad won Team of the Year, while the Spirit of Sport Award went to the European Ryder Cup team for their win at Celtic Manor.
Winners are chosen by 46 sports stars who make up the Laureus sports academy.
In other awards, Italian motorcycle champion Valentino Rossi claimed the Comeback of the Year after he returned to MotoGP just 41 days after breaking his leg, German golfer Martin Kaymer took the Breakthrough of the Year award for his rise to number two in the world, and American surfer Kelly Slater was named Action Sportsperson of the Year.
There was a rapturous welcome for French soccer great Zinedine Zidane, who received the Lifetime Achievement Award in recognition of his remarkable career, which saw him represent the likes of Juventus and Real Madrid at club level and win the World Cup with France in 1998.
Emotional Nadal 'honoured' to win award
Blind German Paralympic biathlete and cross-country skier Verena Bentele won Sportsperson of the Year with a Disability, while May El-Khalil, who founded the Beirut Marathon took the Sport for Good Award.
Nadal - who won three Grand Slams in 2010 - saw off competition including Los Angeles Lakers star Kobe Bryant, Filipino boxer Manny Pacquiao and Barcelona footballers Andres Iniesta and Lionel Messi to win Sportsman of the Year.
Vonn - the winner of the women's downhill at the Vancouver Games and a third consecutive overall World Cup title - was named sportswoman ahead of the likes of high jumper Blanka Vlasic and tennis players Serena Williams, Kim Clijsters and Caroline Wozniacki.
Double Oscar winner Kevin Spacey hosted the event attended by celebrities from the world of sports and entertainment.
Full list of awards:
World Sportsman of the Year: Rafael Nadal (Spain)
World Sportswoman of the Year: Lindsey Vonn (US)
World Team of the Year: Spain World Cup Team
World Breakthrough of the Year: Martin Kaymer (Germany)
World Comeback of the Year: Valentino Rossi (Italy)
World Sportsperson of the Year with a Disability: Verena Bentele (Germany)
World Action Sportsperson of the Year: Kelly Slater (US)
Lifetime Achievement Award: Zinedine Zidane (France)
Spirit of Sport Award: European Ryder Cup team
Sport for Good Award: May El-Khalil, founder of the Beirut Marathon
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