Well this is good. It sounds really familiar, and by that i dont mean you copied it, i mean it has a really familiar way of writing, which is erally benificial if your writing in first person.
I thought it was alright, yes you have some issues with grammer, but they are only minor.
"how this place is it's enchanting, and utterly esquisite." To me that just doesnt flow right, the exquisite just doesnt sound right. so you could change that, and i think that first paragraph would be really good.
I agree with the other person who commented it, and i think that the second paragraph would be an excellent blurb.
"I stand there in a long flamboyant maroon flock linked arms with an abosolute stunning boy, not a typical boy an Ice Child" there is a couple of things wrong with this sentence, one its meant to be 'frock' and also, there are too many describing words in a row, maybe if you go into more detail abou the dress than flat out describing words this would work better.
"It was red with a lighter shade streaked through" this could be changed, because the past tense here really doesnt work. something like "A dark red with streaks of a light red flowing through" You dont have to use that, all im saying is it doesnt really make sense to me.
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