Conley: Cells Weigh Down Backpack of Self-Discovery
When I was 18, I did what many middle-class American college students have done ever since air travel became broadly accessible: I backpacked through Europe on a rail pass. Much cheap wine was consumed. Many beautiful European women were chased (unsuccessfully). Many hard-earned savings were spent at discotheques.
My buddies and I spent most of the time together, but on occasion we split up to travel through different cities with plans to rendezvous at an American Express office in northern Italy.
During my time alone, I slept on a beach in Spain, in a public park in Genoa and on the marble floor of the fascist-built Milan train station. I read Dostoevsky. Most of the time that I was on my own, I was miserable. I hurried through meals self-consciously. I sat in public parks and wrote in my journal. And I only occasionally made new acquaintances at the hostels.
Meanwhile, I spoke to my parents perhaps once a week from a public phone bank. I hurriedly told them I was alive and made sure everyone back home was, too. The conversation would take less than five minutes, and that was pretty much it when it came to communication. After all, there were better things to spend my money on.
The day I arrived, in Paris, I stood in a patisserie, my stomach grumbling, as customer after customer ordered their baked goods, and I mentally practiced my request: “Je voudrais un baguette s’il vous plait... Je voudrais un baguette s’il vous plait…” Over and over until, finally, I swallowed and spoke the words aloud -- but not loudly enough, evidently, since I was ignored in favor of other patrons. It took twice as long for me to try again -- and twice the courage to speak up even louder. Again I was ignored. I slunk out of the shop. To my back, I heard the baker shout, “Je voudrais UNE baguette! UNE! C’est feminine, la baguette!”
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